Walking in the city

Walking in the city can be very annoying. Here's some tips to survive a serious tongue-lashing or dirty look from yours truly:

1. HURRY UP. Don't assume because you're on a leisurely stroll that nobody behind you is in a hurry. If you must walk slow, stay at the edge of the sidewalk near the street (warning: I may push you) or against the buildings. Ever notice that everyone seems to be passing you? Then move your ass over.

2. You may walk side-by-side in pairs, but never more. EVER. Otherwise, you are in the way of people coming toward you, as well as behind you. If you and your three friends insist on being like Carrie Bradshaw and her girls walking in a horizontal line of four, then at least be prepared to momentarily break the chain for oncomers who would otherwise have to dart around you and your stupid friends. When walking past a restaurant that sets up tables outside, creating the sidewalk to lose much valued room, it is not wise to even walk side-by-side. You don't need to take up the whole damn sidewalk! Warning: I might accidentally toss some hot coffee at you.

3. Do NOT stop in mid-stride to look for something in your purse/bag, look up at the tall building, etc. Quickly, yet carefully, merge to the edge of the sidewalk before you stop walking. Warning: Doing otherwise may cause you to be pushed into a passing bus.

4. Turn down your IPod, etc. I know you really enjoy that song, but I don't. Neither does 95% of the sidewalk traffic.

5. Get rid of that freakin' huge umbrella. It's a monstrosity and you bump people with it. Get a normal one.

6. Get your kids home at a decent time (before 11:00). Especially if they're of middle school age.

7. I'm not interested in your cell phone conversation, so either pipe it down or shut it all together.

8. Either carry your little children or put them in some sort of cart. Let's face it - they're small and clumsy and just generally in the way when traveling a busy sidewalk.

Thanks. And have a nice trip.